The tantrum isn’t about you
Connection can come before correction. The boundary can stay.
It’s 8:40 p.m. Your child won’t get in the bath, and you’re running on empty. You hear yourself saying, “I’ve explained this three times.” Even as you say it, you know it isn’t helping.
During a big emotional moment, it can be harder for a child to listen, think flexibly, and use the skills they’re still developing. That doesn’t mean their brain has switched off—or that you need to give in.
In The Whole-Brain Child, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe “connect and redirect”: acknowledge the feeling before trying to teach the lesson.
Tonight, try getting down to your child’s level and using a calm voice: “You’re upset because you wanted to keep playing. I get it. It’s still bath time. Would you like to carry the towel or pick a bath toy?”
The feeling is welcome. The boundary stays. Save the longer conversation for a calmer moment. With a baby, focus on soothing and meeting needs; with an older child, invite them to help plan the routine afterward.
This isn’t a magic phrase. If it doesn’t settle things instantly, you haven’t failed. Your job is to be steady and keep everyone safe—not to stop every feeling.
Further reading: Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson, The Whole-Brain Child, “Connect and Redirect”; Harvard Center on the Developing Child, Serve and Return (background on responsive interactions).
What does this moment look like in your house? Reply to your daily email and tell me.
Gonzalo
